Since I last wrote, there's been a gargantuan shift going on.
I've been moving from the girl who was always concerned for other's opinions. Constantly had a wondering in the mind of what this or that person might think of what was going on and how she was doing it.
I was bogged down and in bondage. Fearful and intimidated. Completely overwhelmed most of the time.
But He makes all things new in His time.
It is time!
Since my last post, talking about Jesus looking in the box and finding those dark misunderstandings and maybe even some truths, He's been going deeper. Letting me know more and more of Him and it's all about Him and nothing else really matters and when we get that....Oh the freedom and how the tangled webs just melt off the brain and soul transformation really is possible.
We went rafting, six of us in the rapids, rushing water and deep rocks and some things went differently on the trip than we anticipated. But GoD redeems every moment when we let Him.
He bared a deep hole in my heart one of those days. He exposed a misguided belief and I have a sister who's strong enough to look me close in the eyes and ask with love if I want to deal with this or just let it rot and stay there. So we dig deep and we hug tight and we share tenderly and weep openly and let the Savior into the mess and He shows it for what it is:
I believe that when I open myself up to others, when I let them close to me, and trust them, they always hurt me. So I keep up walls, thick walls. Even with those closest to me. Because those are the ones who hurt the most right? When you let them in, when you share and let words, hearts and feelings go deep and eyes connect and not waver. When you trust, you hurt. Judgments, criticisms bite hard and we cringe back and away.
Is it meant to be this way? With a friend, a parent, a spouse? Is it supposed to hurt to get close? Isn't love supposed to be a kind thing, and gentle and safe? Yet so often not, it would seem and so many have the same story.
'How shall we trust?' has been the question my heart has wondered and eventually only continued asking in the deep recesses, imperceptible to the ear because the walls had gone so high I couldn't hear it anymore. Just knew to keep the door closed and the pain out. But it's hard to connect and love and let the Savior shine like a lamp on a hill when it's really a fortress on a mountain built to keep the enemy out.
And who is the enemy anyway and who can we trust but One?
Is my heart really ever safe in the hands of a man or a woman, a friend, sister or mother or husband or even a child. Isn't it going to be disregarded, dismissed, trod on or rejected, and for some abused and jaded?
Yes! The resounding answer is 'Yes it will!'
We came to that conclusion, grown women cuddled up on the couch talking deep and listening for the heart beat of the Spirit of GoD.
It will be abused and maligned and disregarded. But as Jesus said last time, 'it doesn't really matter if you are in Me. Because when you are in Me, only what I think of you matters.' So I give Him my heart, ask His forgiveness for placing my trust where it shouldn't have been and for not trusting Him as He is the only One worthy. Tears run down, a river welling up and over and grace comes in and the renewing is almost instantaneous right there on the couch. I feel light again and those old thoughts have dissipated. Now the step in front of me is one of giving grace. For Love covers. Completely. No digging up dirt, or peeling back the top to point at the offense underneath. No. Love covers. And nothing else matters and I'm being trained here for the rest of life and it's good.
I have only one enemy and Jesus has already conquered him so my fortress isn't necessary. I can smash down those walls and let the light blaze out, because I.am.not.afraid.anymore!
And that happens there. Love blazes as Grace abounds and more walls come down and arms wrap 'round another and there's a willingness to understand and let Him do what's necessary even when I can't fathom all that's going on.
My thinking is clear and the ability to focus is new and all about the One who is Faithful and True.
The funny thing is that my relationships are better. The weight and pressure are dissipating and a freshness and clarity have taken their place.
In Evangelical Christendom we say that we should 'ask Jesus into our hearts'. Really it's about giving Him ours and then all the stars align and all's right with the world.
And it's a continuous giving. In every situation with all people. My heart has to be constantly trained to focus on Him. And therein lies peace and it's not all hard after all.
"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is stayed on thee because he trusts in thee." Isaiah 26:3
