Somethings's shifting in the foundation. I'm making myself vulnerable by posting these things, but have a suspicion I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
Childhood scars go deep. Not too deep for Jesus though. At times Holy Spirit will root them out, peel back the scar to expose the raw flesh underneath. It's not pretty, ugly in fact, and odorous. But without the peeling to expose and clean, it'll keep on festering and nothing will change. In fact the infection will go deeper, spreading malevolently through the body, bitter roots going deep. I don't want that. I think it's happened a bit already and I want it out.
Children can be mean. Survival of the fittest is often their law. They don't know it. They just live in the flesh and pecking orders happen. Because they're sinful...all of us are...
They talk behind each other's backs, say spiteful, hurtful words...and exclude....
This one was an easy target, already having a wounded spirit.
It's what draws meanness out of kids in the first place. Wounding begets wounding. It seems to be a spiritual law.
So the cycle goes on. Insecurity lodges deep. All manner of sinful agreements made with anger, bitterness, jealousy,unforgiveness, revenge, hurt, fear, and deep, sad loneliness.
Then she grows up and Christ comes in and it's all better. Right? No!
Because He doesn't just make everything better. That would be nice, but then we'd circumvent the process and the learning to trust, again, and we wouldn't yield our will and repent of the evil agreements made in the heat of pain and our own self centered sinfulness. Let's be honest.
Then the Savior takes her and plops her right back into what feels like the same situation all over again. All those years later. But with grown ups.
And she has a choice. Dig out those old boxes of offense, open up to the stinking, rancid mess and start adding more. More judgement, more rejection, more insult, more misunderstanding, more competition, more SIN (we're being honest right?).
Or!
Open the box and let Jesus look. Because that's what He asked to do.
"Move over and let Me see in there." His hand gentle on her back as she's peering in at the hopeless mess.
He digs down through that black, make-me-wretch refuse, looking for Truth.
"Lots of lies in here, hmmm over there...more misinterpretations, let Me shine a Light down there. It's so dark."
He turns and faces her, gentleness caressing with Words spoken patiently.
"Instead of adding more to this, let's do something different this time. All the things you feel are happening...may be happening. True. What does that mean? Nothing much when you think it through, because when you are in Me, what anyone thinks of you doesn't really matter. Really. At all.
That doesn't take away your responsibility to love and forgive and be forgiven and function fully as a member of My Body.
What it does is remove your need to respond to the opinions of others. Because outside of Me, other people's opinions are insignificant. You would like everyone to like you. But it's not going to happen and that's okay."
He makes me think of Max Lucado's book "You are Special" about Punchinello. The book that Belinda made me read out loud to her, sitting right there on the step in her foyer years ago. I was too locked down then to let it penetrate or draw a tear.
Now it makes sense and I understand it without a tear because...I'm not sad anymore.
Still sorting it out. Yes. Just learning not to be all hung up on me.
That's the crux of it all isn't it. Who am I thinking about? Because if it's me, I'm in trouble. Then I go back to those boxes and start pulling out insecurity which is really just the flip side of self sufficiency and pride. Two sides of the same coin.
Thinking about me...not so good. Thinking about Christ is good and I get His perspective on it all. It doesn't change anything about the situation, but it does change everything.
Leaning thankfully into His understanding.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Questions
Today I'm full of questions, seeking answers and there don't seem to be any easy, formatted responses. My son wanted to see a movie with a friend a while back. When we looked at a review it indicated that there was some sexually inappropriate content and swearing including blasphemy.
So my husband and I in agreement with each other told him 'no'. He was livid. To his credit he did listen to us but didn't speak to us again until well into the next day.
At church the topic came up with someone who had seen the movie and confirmed the content that had caused me concern, but with very little concern or conviction on their part. Their children of the same age had seen it too.
Herein lies my first question.
If I feel that this is wrong for my son to see, is it wrong for everyone? Is it the same as in the Bible when Paul tells us not to get all hung up about not tasting and not touching? Is it the same as me not drinking alcohol in front of someone who struggles with it? Is it the same issue as not causing someone to sin by your example?
Another question follows. If God tells us something is wrong in His Word, do we need to pray about it or just obey what He says, not needing specific revelation on the topic as He's already dealt with it?
When God says in His Word to 'flee the appearance of evil' what did He mean? What is evil and how do we flee it?
Do we shelter ourselves and those we love, especially children with impressionable minds from as much sin as possible. Do we avoid opportunities for them to be introduced to what is in the world or do we gradually and gently introduce them so that they will know how to navigate the world once they are of age?
Are we called to navigate the world once we're old enough? Or are we called to come out from them and be separate. God chastised the Israelites when they assimilated into the culture they lived in. How then shall we live?
Are our children in danger in this culture if they are naive to what it offers? Yes! So how do we teach them to live in the world but not of it.
How much swearing in books and movies is too much? How much is acceptable? When does it become evil? If there are sexual inferences in the movies are we to be content and blind to the impact it has on us? Are we to think that our young people are above these influences when their minds are still forming and they don't fully understand the consequences of their actions.
What does God mean when He says "Be holy as I Am Holy?"
What does He mean when He says "Without Holiness you. can. not. see. God." ?
How many of us are like the frog in the pot. It's getting mighty warm in here, a little humid even, but we can't even see it.
What makes us different? Our statistics are the same as the 'world'.
What makes our Christian organizations and schools different when some of the books and music being offered are the same as what you'd get in the public school. Some of those may be okay. And some are not. Is anybody awake?
We are supposed to be different! And as I say that I keep my fingers carefully tucked in so not one is pointing at anyone else, otherwise the other 9 would be pointing straight back at me.
But how shall we live? It's not just in the not tolerating movies, books or music that pollute our minds. It's asking the question about who is my first love.
Jesus rebuked the church of Ephesus (Rev. 2:4) because they had left their first love. So I ask myself when I am tempted, just to sleep a bit longer instead of sitting with Jesus before my day explodes into activity, can I, will I say..."I love You more."
He has already completed everything on the cross, but in some ways it seems that we are choosing cheap grace and excusing our choices for unholiness.
God, will you show us how to live and give us the grace we need to understand that we don't need to work anymore? You have done it all. But help us not to spend that grace on less than You had in mind. Reducing your sacrifice to a blanket covering for whatever we're unwilling to give up. In Jesus Name. Amen
Stay in the conversation...
So my husband and I in agreement with each other told him 'no'. He was livid. To his credit he did listen to us but didn't speak to us again until well into the next day.
At church the topic came up with someone who had seen the movie and confirmed the content that had caused me concern, but with very little concern or conviction on their part. Their children of the same age had seen it too.
Herein lies my first question.
If I feel that this is wrong for my son to see, is it wrong for everyone? Is it the same as in the Bible when Paul tells us not to get all hung up about not tasting and not touching? Is it the same as me not drinking alcohol in front of someone who struggles with it? Is it the same issue as not causing someone to sin by your example?
Another question follows. If God tells us something is wrong in His Word, do we need to pray about it or just obey what He says, not needing specific revelation on the topic as He's already dealt with it?
When God says in His Word to 'flee the appearance of evil' what did He mean? What is evil and how do we flee it?
Do we shelter ourselves and those we love, especially children with impressionable minds from as much sin as possible. Do we avoid opportunities for them to be introduced to what is in the world or do we gradually and gently introduce them so that they will know how to navigate the world once they are of age?
Are we called to navigate the world once we're old enough? Or are we called to come out from them and be separate. God chastised the Israelites when they assimilated into the culture they lived in. How then shall we live?
Are our children in danger in this culture if they are naive to what it offers? Yes! So how do we teach them to live in the world but not of it.
How much swearing in books and movies is too much? How much is acceptable? When does it become evil? If there are sexual inferences in the movies are we to be content and blind to the impact it has on us? Are we to think that our young people are above these influences when their minds are still forming and they don't fully understand the consequences of their actions.
What does God mean when He says "Be holy as I Am Holy?"
What does He mean when He says "Without Holiness you. can. not. see. God." ?
How many of us are like the frog in the pot. It's getting mighty warm in here, a little humid even, but we can't even see it.
What makes us different? Our statistics are the same as the 'world'.
What makes our Christian organizations and schools different when some of the books and music being offered are the same as what you'd get in the public school. Some of those may be okay. And some are not. Is anybody awake?
We are supposed to be different! And as I say that I keep my fingers carefully tucked in so not one is pointing at anyone else, otherwise the other 9 would be pointing straight back at me.
But how shall we live? It's not just in the not tolerating movies, books or music that pollute our minds. It's asking the question about who is my first love.
Jesus rebuked the church of Ephesus (Rev. 2:4) because they had left their first love. So I ask myself when I am tempted, just to sleep a bit longer instead of sitting with Jesus before my day explodes into activity, can I, will I say..."I love You more."
He has already completed everything on the cross, but in some ways it seems that we are choosing cheap grace and excusing our choices for unholiness.
God, will you show us how to live and give us the grace we need to understand that we don't need to work anymore? You have done it all. But help us not to spend that grace on less than You had in mind. Reducing your sacrifice to a blanket covering for whatever we're unwilling to give up. In Jesus Name. Amen
Stay in the conversation...
Moody Skies
I could hear this morning's sky coming down before I even threw the sheets back. Slipping quietly into joggers and out the door, leaving family sleeping I was greeted by the canopy above angry in swirls of black and grey, broad streaks of temper stretched across the palette, matching my mood. It was stale, not moving. A movie on pause at the dark part. Rumblings and flashing bursting out and retreating. Rimmed on the east side by a red sore. Sun rising on the wrath sky like Jesus exposing the unforgiveness stored in this angry heart.
I've got to be honest. Too much hiding behind the proper English upper lip and 'fine thank you, how are you.' Not always fine actually. Too much stuffed and not worked out. Not sure how to in the middle of attempts at perfection and appearances and that vain seeking to fill the bottomless chalice of approval. Drink it down and the thirst remains, dry, edgy and insecure. Too personal yes. But write it out and maybe the honesty will ease the need. Maybe there's a place of peace where the hunger's filled and the pastures stretch green forever. Maybe even as I write there'll come a place where it won't matter if anyone likes these words or not, because I'll just be content to let them loose on the page slipping out of me into the blue of His will and where He'll send them, if anywhere and if He likes them that's all that really matters anyway.
Sometimes honesty's too naked, but I think it may be where the healing begins.
I've got to be honest. Too much hiding behind the proper English upper lip and 'fine thank you, how are you.' Not always fine actually. Too much stuffed and not worked out. Not sure how to in the middle of attempts at perfection and appearances and that vain seeking to fill the bottomless chalice of approval. Drink it down and the thirst remains, dry, edgy and insecure. Too personal yes. But write it out and maybe the honesty will ease the need. Maybe there's a place of peace where the hunger's filled and the pastures stretch green forever. Maybe even as I write there'll come a place where it won't matter if anyone likes these words or not, because I'll just be content to let them loose on the page slipping out of me into the blue of His will and where He'll send them, if anywhere and if He likes them that's all that really matters anyway.
Sometimes honesty's too naked, but I think it may be where the healing begins.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Sometimes
It caught my attention as I walked the sidewalk this morning, cleaved moon still loitering in the sky.
Must have been rainy last night as the worms were out. Some crusted over with drying in the growing sun and others moist with life wiggling their way to life giving soil. One was stuck by it's back end (hard to tell) to the sidewalk, half crushed and dying, wriggling to get free from death.
Feels like me... sometimes. Life pulling me on, that great cloud of witnesses cheering, urging while the crust of deadness holds me to the road.
"Casting off everything that hinders..." (Hebrews 12:1).
Yet why does it seem as if those things are still so much a part of me...sometimes. Expectations, unforgiveness, impatience bind me to the hot cement, yet His mercy pours cool on my soul, alleviating the heat so I wiggle free and press on beside Him leaning on Him, drinking in the moisture of grace.
Must have been rainy last night as the worms were out. Some crusted over with drying in the growing sun and others moist with life wiggling their way to life giving soil. One was stuck by it's back end (hard to tell) to the sidewalk, half crushed and dying, wriggling to get free from death.
Feels like me... sometimes. Life pulling me on, that great cloud of witnesses cheering, urging while the crust of deadness holds me to the road.
"Casting off everything that hinders..." (Hebrews 12:1).
Yet why does it seem as if those things are still so much a part of me...sometimes. Expectations, unforgiveness, impatience bind me to the hot cement, yet His mercy pours cool on my soul, alleviating the heat so I wiggle free and press on beside Him leaning on Him, drinking in the moisture of grace.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I Did It! Joining the Chorus of Morning
I'd read about it. The reports were marvelous from those who'd done it. But changing over into the new way was daunting. It loomed a mountain, for years. Today I did it. Took the first step, first day and tomorrow will be the next. Because what I found this morning rivals, blasts any other experience out of the water.
Get out of the way O sleeper, I've become a morning person. Get out of bed and live. Awake, awake!
There wasn't just one, but an entire congregation waiting. The morning announced by hundreds of hidden participants. I walked up Boyne and the spruce were live with song. I knew if I grabbed a branch and shook there would be a burst of action, a launching of singers to the wind. Feathered flash mobs positioned everywhere, mixed in the middle of this glorious dawning day. Red breast enthroned on the the peak of # 136 warbling sweet passion to the sky.
And I did too, couldn't help but worship in the breeze not caring if those masked in cars slipping by saw my lips moving, thought I was a lunatic muttering to herself, crazy woman walking, talking in the morning. Yes. "In the morning I will sing of your love." (Ps 59:16)
I will set my heart before You and ask You to order my steps for this day. This gift You have given.
I asked and found Him faithful. "I need someone to be accountable to in the morning," I told those sweet sisters as we walked the trail another day. Encouragement bloomed. A garden of supportive words growing. But it all happened online. Watched the incourage webcast and found the HelloMornings Challenge. Awesome! I've signed up for an online group of girls who love to garden and read and want to book it into the mornings early like me. Wow! Thank you GoD!
"Ask and you shall receive." He says.
"Knock and it shall be opened to you.
"Seek and you shall find."
(Matthew 7:7)
I've entered a new realm. A different world is out there and I've stepped through the door.
See you in the morning.
Get out of the way O sleeper, I've become a morning person. Get out of bed and live. Awake, awake!
There wasn't just one, but an entire congregation waiting. The morning announced by hundreds of hidden participants. I walked up Boyne and the spruce were live with song. I knew if I grabbed a branch and shook there would be a burst of action, a launching of singers to the wind. Feathered flash mobs positioned everywhere, mixed in the middle of this glorious dawning day. Red breast enthroned on the the peak of # 136 warbling sweet passion to the sky.
And I did too, couldn't help but worship in the breeze not caring if those masked in cars slipping by saw my lips moving, thought I was a lunatic muttering to herself, crazy woman walking, talking in the morning. Yes. "In the morning I will sing of your love." (Ps 59:16)
I will set my heart before You and ask You to order my steps for this day. This gift You have given.
I asked and found Him faithful. "I need someone to be accountable to in the morning," I told those sweet sisters as we walked the trail another day. Encouragement bloomed. A garden of supportive words growing. But it all happened online. Watched the incourage webcast and found the HelloMornings Challenge. Awesome! I've signed up for an online group of girls who love to garden and read and want to book it into the mornings early like me. Wow! Thank you GoD!
"Ask and you shall receive." He says.
"Knock and it shall be opened to you.
"Seek and you shall find."
(Matthew 7:7)
I've entered a new realm. A different world is out there and I've stepped through the door.
See you in the morning.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Finding Truth
Words are to me like air to the dying, like rich earth to the worm. So I read, voraciously, night table stacked up high in volumes I sometimes finish. I'm learning to write in the dawn and read myself to sleep; the final sip before drifting off reminding me of the Great Love that greets me with fresh grace every morning.
My shelves are rich with names; Milton's Paradise Lost, Tolkien & Lewis, Bunyan and now Rob Bell and George Barna battle for space on my desk. Both Beveres line up with Jan Karon who I escape to when life squeezes too tight. Phillip Yancey's on the edge of my tub and Tony Campolo greets me cheerfully in the proverbial library. Phil Callaway's there too for when I need to laugh loud at life and our family. Charles Spurgeon awaits on the low shelf by the rocking chair in the study. And Anne Voskamp is in my inbox with Holy Experience.
Sounds impressive yes?
I've only read some of it. I want to read all of it.
As I read the questions grow.
Debaters whisper and rage, fools and sages flaunt their wares for the price of a bent ear and the influence wielded.
And if anyone knows me I can be faulted with strong opinions too.
Is this age any different than when Greek philosophers persuaded the times. Or when Roman debauchery reached past the limits of sanity and all thought was considered relatively acceptable. Relativity is not a new invention, just a renaming of something old and discontented.
Through all this fog of human debate I reach. I long to push back the clouds of my own understanding and reach into heaven, pulling down the Almighty so I can look Him in the face...and the heart.
So let's read all the books but not forget the One book. Let's stay in the dialogue and find understanding. I think that the conclusion of the matter may be different than expected.
My shelves are rich with names; Milton's Paradise Lost, Tolkien & Lewis, Bunyan and now Rob Bell and George Barna battle for space on my desk. Both Beveres line up with Jan Karon who I escape to when life squeezes too tight. Phillip Yancey's on the edge of my tub and Tony Campolo greets me cheerfully in the proverbial library. Phil Callaway's there too for when I need to laugh loud at life and our family. Charles Spurgeon awaits on the low shelf by the rocking chair in the study. And Anne Voskamp is in my inbox with Holy Experience.
Sounds impressive yes?
I've only read some of it. I want to read all of it.
As I read the questions grow.
Debaters whisper and rage, fools and sages flaunt their wares for the price of a bent ear and the influence wielded.
And if anyone knows me I can be faulted with strong opinions too.
Is this age any different than when Greek philosophers persuaded the times. Or when Roman debauchery reached past the limits of sanity and all thought was considered relatively acceptable. Relativity is not a new invention, just a renaming of something old and discontented.
Through all this fog of human debate I reach. I long to push back the clouds of my own understanding and reach into heaven, pulling down the Almighty so I can look Him in the face...and the heart.
So let's read all the books but not forget the One book. Let's stay in the dialogue and find understanding. I think that the conclusion of the matter may be different than expected.
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